Many family and friends, once past the initial acceptance of your loss, will find the need to comfort you in many different ways. Some will try to show you how this loss can be viewed as a positive aspect of your life. For instance, a long illness or sudden struggle with a health decline, some will approach you with good intentions that simply are not well thought out.
“He’s in a better place,” they will say, showing you the silver lining of your loss. “At least she’s resting now.”
Carelessly chosen words can be the most volatile aspect of grief. Choose them carefully
Sadly, at the time — and dare I say any time — these comments are not well received. Nor should they be. These comments, when you strip away the underlying sentiment, are a bit insensitive. They are words, not well-formed, and honestly a bit cliché. And cliché, right now, is not what you need. Right?
“Thankfully I’ve not experienced this myself, but I’ve heard of some people who have had friends or family indicate that it might be time to put it behind you. I’m not certain that can ever truly happen. They need to choose their words more carefully.”
Choosing a different phrase changes the entire outlook
Instead of saying or thinking it’s “time to move on”, how about we focus on “moving through?” Life, in itself, is a journey, why should mourning a loss of life be anything different. There is no time limit on grief and, as you know if you’ve experienced loss, we all grieve differently. Although our stories may overlap at times, they still are very much different. Our experiences change with the people in our lives, the moments that matter most to us, and the overall life experiences we have all lived. Our grief will also change in many ways. What triggers your “grief bombs” — as a friend in a bereavement group refers to sudden emotional breakdowns (which is brilliantly accurate, by the way) — will change as time moves on. In the beginning, perhaps, it will take very little to set you off. As you move through more life experiences without that special someone, those triggers will change, become a bit less frequent, and something else might seep in. Whether it be depression, feeling down or sad, overwhelming anxiety that never existed, or your lack of ambition, it is important at these moments to identify if you may need help moving through. That is the key phrase; moving through. I believe it is very healthy to understand that we never truly get over a loss, but with help, we can get through. I’m personally not focused on moving on, which for me indicates I’ve chosen to leave something behind, but rather, I choose to find my way through this journey.
Life, as a whole, directs us on a journey that sometimes can be defined and shaped by how we choose to view our experiences and our possibilities. Our perspective is everything. We each have the choice to view that glass as half empty or see it as half full. Know that they are sour lemons, or see that we can make lemonade. How will you decide to reshape your journey? Will you choose to let the dark, sadness envelope you, or will you allow your pain to flow when it needs to, just to help you get through to a better place? I have chosen the journey to grateful as Colleen chose before me.
Tim Bigonia
Lost wife to cancer, July 3, 2020
