Grateful for Texts and Phone Calls

I cannot seem to fill enough of my day to take away the ache and pain. Every phone call or text from a friend is like a life preserver. Every email is a link to some sort of living world. They all keep me above the waves of grief and gently nudge me to stay connected and breathe. Especially the friends who say, “How are you doing today?” and are ready for an honest response. I am so grateful for these absolute life preservers every day. I’ll tell you why. Because every day is also filled with decisions and reminders that my husband died.

It is not just the holidays that are rough. It’s every day. Not adding his name to the school directory, receiving mail in his name, getting an auto-generated text from the dentist to set up an appointment. The list goes on. Those reminders take me further away from the relationship we had, erasing his existence here and exposing the reality that we did not make another memory together today and it just kicks me in the gut. Every day is… “make a new path without him” and it hurts. It hurts. It is such a shock to go through the unraveling of our life together. I need some joy or happiness to balance out that hurt and to fill that space. It’s not there. Yet. I know that grieving is a process. Right now, it just hurts. In the meantime, the phone calls, texts, and emails are true-life preservers – things that keep me afloat so I’m not drowning in every wave of grief that comes crashing through.