Today, on the 24th anniversary of my late husband’s death by suicide, I again remove the photo albums from the bookshelf to remember his life. Seeing pictures of a strong 39-year-old man, beaming with pride holding his two beautiful small children still does not answer the many questions that linger. He left us suddenly, and we were in such shock that we could not help but wonder, “Why?” What could we have done to intervene? And, “What if?” Answers may never come to us, and yet each of us have to accept the unanswerable somehow. My pain now is not as sharp, wanting to remember the joy of his life and ultimately being grateful for the time Ron and I shared. My grief has turned to peace and my shock into hope as I did what seemed impossible at the time, choosing to move forward and eventually dance through life again.
Please, if you are or you know someone in crisis, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (Lifeline) at 1-800-273-TALK (8255), or text the Crisis Text Line (text HELLO to 741741). Both services are free and available 24-hours a day, seven days a week.
With the sudden shock, disbelief, and unbearable grief that comes with the loss of a loved one, it’s hard to believe that you can go on, but you do. Somehow you do. Life is never quite the same, but slowly, little by little, it does get better as you forge a new path. The pain is not always raw, fresh, and at the very forefront of everything. That is the very exhausting part of grief, consuming every minute of every day, leaving no energy or time to think, let alone smile. But with time and the love and care of family, friends, coworkers, neighbors, and even strangers, my pain and guilt softened.
A significant part of my personal processing and healing came from a support group for young widows with children. Meeting at a local church and lead by a caring and spiritual facilitator, the support group provided a safe and nurturing experience for us women and our small children who met with a grief counselor in an adjacent room. Though I was the only survivor of a suicide loss in attendance, I quickly found out that I was not alone in this grief journey, sharing my guilt, pain, tears, distrust, and deepest fears. Through these meetings, I slowly found my strength and energy return by experiencing all the stages of grief. And eventually, to my total surprise, one day, I found myself no longer crying in the shower but singing! Ready to dance and love again.
To this day, I am still friends with a handful of these amazing women. Bound by an experience of significant loss and faith, we no longer consider ourselves a widow support group but now call ourselves the “Phoenix Group” because through putting in the work and leaning on one another along the way, we’ve risen from the ashes of grief and death and embraced life again.
There is a stigma that comes with suicide (though I feel it has recently gotten better with the increase in mental health awareness) that complicates the grief process. For me, some of my more haunting questions persist, along with my guilt of not understanding the depth of his depression or mental illness. By sharing his anguish, perhaps I could have lessened its intensity. Perhaps he was reaching out in ways that I did not clearly see or fully hear. Afterward, those who loved him (and whom he loved) tried to put all the pieces together, but only in hindsight and having come to understand the immensity of his hopelessness camouflaged in his subtle glances and clear blue eyes could we see reflections of his despair. Bereavement in relation to suicide can impact us in different ways (mental and physical) than other types of loss. However, it is still important to remember that you are not alone and that there is help available.
As you probably have heard or experienced, the grief journey is not a straight path. It has many hills and valleys, curves, turns, roadblocks, forks, and way too many roundabouts! I hate those roundabouts. Time, strength, and compassion help you endure. For over two decades, I have missed and thought about my late husband. I was left shocked how my strong partner and proud father of our two young children could die by suicide, changing everyone’s lives forever.
