EP102 – Four Things I Wish Someone Told Me

Hello, my friends, and welcome to the journey to grateful podcast, a podcast, to help clarify the process of loss and grief through experiences shared from myself and others. Living with loss. I'm your host, Tim Bigonia and this has shown number 102. In this podcast. I will review the many common myths of grief to help you better prepare for the road ahead. You are invited to join the community and share your story to help others better understand grief. How it affects us moving forward. and how best to navigate it's difficult path.

I invite you to join the community on Facebook and Instagram. Subscribe to the podcast and find quick links to do both over at journeytograteful.com. And lastly, I ask that you take a moment to rate and review the show over at apple podcasts. Doing so will help this podcast. reach more people like you in need of an insightful grief resource, which can help them navigate their grief. journey.

Now today, I want to share with you. a fresh perspective on grief, more specifically for important things to know when you find yourself dealing with the loss of a loved one. Come in from the experience of someone who, after their loss discovered specifics, they now wish they would have known before their loss. We will touch upon moving forward. Finding inspiration in loss. Providing ourselves permission to feel and finally appreciating the most important people in your life who truly matter. Now let's dive into this week show.

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Today I will be sharing with you an article written by Kelisha Gardeen. Now this story was shared with my bereavement group. a few weeks ago by my friend, Kathy, and is filled with many insightful points worthy of sharing. I find with this podcast, it is just as important to have guests on to share their experiences as it is for me to share mine. And when something is important, as this article is shared with me, where I understand the benefit of sharing it with others. Well, I'm definitely going to. Primarily because I've found it to be helpful in my grief to hear of other perspectives, consider other viewpoints and listen to someone else's take on a similar situation. I may be experiencing at the time. Now the perspective shared in this writing has helped me to come full circle with my own grief. Well also shining a much needed light on what my children might have experienced in their grief. And at the time of my wife's passing. My son's for 12 and 13 and our daughter was 22. And I find Kelisha was sharing her viewpoint and how she was impacted by losing her father at age 15, to be very enlightening, providing me many reasons to sit back and consider where my children have been with their grief in the initial days and weeks. And even today, So I'd like to share Kelisha's story now.

"I can tell a lot about a person from the way they ride a train.

The way that they look out the window without really seeing anything at all, the way that they stared down at their hands or the way that their face gently shifts into involuntary smiles at thoughts that I'll never be privy to. On my train ride home. After work today, I sat staring out of a window, listening to an entire Beatles album on repeat all well crying profusely. It's been seven years since my dad died. Sometimes it feels like seven years, but on days like these, it feels like it's only been seven days. I was 15 years old when my dad passed away, 15 years old and insecure, 15 years old and easily embarrassed, 15 years old and unprepared. 15 years old. And unsure of everything that made me who I was Loosen such an influential guiding force during such a crucially developmental part of my life, catapulted me into a whirlwind of struggling to discover myself while simultaneously dealing with the critical absence in my life. Here are four things that I wish someone could have told me when I was 15 years old. And completely utterly painfully lost. Number one. Continuing doesn't mean forgetting. I know that you feel selfish to enjoy the things in your life, that mark pivotal moments, your high school graduation, your first dance performance, moving into your first dorm graduating college, because he can't enjoy experiencing these moments in your life. You feel like you can't either. But you have the right to change, to grow. To explore and to experience. It's easy to feel guilty for continuing. But the only direction you can go is straight ahead. Yes, press pause a few times, press rewind and fast forward. But the reality is that you can't stay stagnant forever. Press play because regardless of how often you've convinced yourself otherwise. You deserve to.

Number two. Loss can act as a catalyst for inspiration. Pour your soul into what it is that you love. That's your heartbreak bleed into your art. That's your pain inspire you to love harder. Let your anger inspire you to really breathe. Let your set as provoke empathy within you for others, allow your loss to break you so that you can go deep within yourself to find the pieces that will take you years to put back together. Let your loss teach you gratitude. Humility and acceptance. Let your loss teach you what love really means.

Number three. Feeling, what you're feeling is okay. The sooner you accept this, the sooner you can journey towards healing. Stop trying to fight the hurt. Be patient with yourself. Give yourself time. It's okay. To have relapses to fall into extended periods of depression to feel hopeless. T and alone. It's all a part of the process. Don't rush your healing. Learn to appreciate every morning that you wake up with a broken heart and every night that you fall asleep, crying. This will guide you into the mornings in which you wake feeling a little stronger and the nights in which you fall asleep in peace. Regardless of how impossible it might seem, embrace your pain and trust the process.

Number four. The people who are throwing out safety nets while you fall and fall and fall. Keep those people in your life.

Show your gratitude. By truly cherishing them. They are a constant reminder that a strong support group can help you get through this. They are a constant reminder that regardless of how alone you feel, you never really are. Learn to accept the help that the people surrounding you are so graciously offering. Don't isolate yourself. Don't believe the lies in your heart that tell you that Lovell always and in a crushing loss like this one. Understand that there are people in your life who really love you and who really appreciate you. Don't push them away. Calisha continues. It took me a long time to understand that I didn't have to punish myself for continuing my life. It also took me a long time to understand that without the loss that I experienced, I wouldn't have been able to access the parts of me that would have otherwise been an accessible. I would give every piece of my soul to have my dad back in my life, but I have finally learned how to embrace losing him. Without my loss. I wouldn't have found a liberating passion in dance. Without my loss. I wouldn't have learned how to truly love, respect, and appreciate the people in my life. Without my loss, I would not have learned that healing is a journey that anyone can take. And that the first step on that journey. Is coming to the realization. That you deserve to take it.

Without my loss, I would have never known what real heartbreak feels like. And that's seven years later, I could still feel pangs of it on my train ride home."

My initial takeaway on Kelisha's story is this within your grief, you can actually find inspiration, appreciation, and strength, but it takes time to realize this and time to find a benefit in this. It comes with difficult, hard work. And I also appreciate that within her writing, she confirms that moving forward does not mean forgetting or letting go of anything, but instead can be a way of bringing them along with you. And holding them every day as you move forward. I also appreciate that. She says it's okay to feel because within all those feelings is the strength you will need to walk through this storm. The whole idea of feeling will open up a path toward healing and a road to growing in yourself today and who you will become tomorrow. And finally her caution to hold on to those people in your life who are there for you, supporting you for, they are also a huge source of strength and always will be, these are the people you should keep in your life because they are the reason. You will never truly be alone in your grief. And I know right now, At the recording and listening of this podcast. I have many of those people. Listening. And I want to say, thank you. Thank you for just being there. Your support. Is immeasurable.

That right there is the important gem. And lastly, I've spoken in previous episodes. As to how our thoughts can really become our enemy in grief. And as she puts it, there are times when you feel selfish. Or feel guilty for continuing with your life and from personal experience? I can say that that is very accurate. We will beat ourselves up inside because we will feel it should have been us or we believe we can never smile because it's not appropriate to do so. But we have to, because we are here. Right now. And we have to do so to live. I know for certain, my late wife Coleen would not want me to be unhappy. She would want me to be happy. And I know this because she told me she wouldn't want me to move forward. And she certainly would want me to find reasons to smile again. Fortunately again, I know this because we have the tough discussions. We had the chance to have these discussions. And usually they were prompted by her and she gave me the gift of knowing how she felt and how she wanted me to move forward. And I cherish that gift every single day. But if you were not able to get that gift from your loved one, No that they most likely. I do not want you to be unhappy.

So please remember Kalisha's words, her experience and the lessons she'd learned in the seven years since her father passed. Continuing doesn't mean forgetting. Loss can act as a catalyst for inspiration. Feeling what's your feeling is okay. Keep those people in your life who lift you up. And finally, I would suggest you share these four things with others, dealing with grief. I'm sure they need to hear them and will appreciate the understanding. You will show by sharing what you've just learned. In addition, share your experiences to help others find their way through their grief. As you note, the path can be dark and uncertain. And I believe that it's the right. thing for us to do. If we can help. someone else better understand what grief is and what to expect. And that. Moving forward is possible. Of course with time. We can start to change the world.

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Thank you again, for listening to the journey to grateful podcast. I am very thankful for you taking the time to listen to this podcast and sharing it with others. I encourage you to stop by the community on social media, share your own story and insights on grief and join our family and helping others on this path. Head on over to journey, to grateful.com/community, to find ways to join the conversation and make a difference through your very own story. And while you're on the site, sign up for my bi-monthly newsletter designed to provide you inspiration and motivation. And if you would like a more personal connection, I invite you to connect with me via email. The email address is tim@journeytograteful.com. But why should we stop there, please? Give me a call, leave me a voicemail, or simply text me any time. The number is 2 6 2 2 9 8. 2 4, 2 8 that's 2 6 2 2 9 8 chat. And lastly helped me build this community, broaden my reach and support my mission by reviewing this show and telling others why you listen over at apple podcasts. I've provided you a leave a review button at journeytograteful.com that can be found on the homepage or the podcast page. So your support of this podcast through your comments is a very powerful thing that you can do today. And I thank you very much. Now I'd like to share with you a quick little poem from the High Poet Society.

“You don't know this new me. I put back my pieces differently.”

It's an interesting poem. And I think it says an awful lot because loss definitely breaks us and it breaks us into many, many different pieces and the process of 📍 us moving forward. Is truly like picking up those pieces. And rearranging them. In a way that creates a new us. So remember. “You don't know this new me. I put back my pieces. Differently.” And you know what? That's okay.

Thank you again, my friends for joining me today, let me know your thoughts on today's episode or any previous episodes. And for those who are walking on their path with grief. I hope you find a way to walk confidently on your journey to grateful. Bye-bye.