Thank You Note

As I sit at my desk I think to myself, “I’ve been putting off writing Thank You notes for a few weeks because I know that the pain from his death will feel raw, the overwhelming gratitude for everyone’s care will break me open and the tears will roll.” It’s true. That’s exactly what is happening. Writing just the first two has taken ½ hour, multiple Kleenex, a few breaks to breathe and, here I am, ready to write the third.

I have to keep writing them and be far enough away from the paper so my tears don’t fall on it and ruin the ink but close enough to read what I’m writing. My glasses aren’t helping. I’m writing in a river. I suddenly laugh at myself. My humor must be returning. Who tries to write with an ink pen on paper in the middle of this much falling water?!?

My goal is to get three notes written today. It’s going slow and each one is wringing me out! I knew it would be difficult. What keeps me going is that I feel you here, helping me form the words from the bottom of my heart and maybe from the bottom of your heart, too. Thank you. I love you and I miss you. And you are right here to help me through this.

Grief is such a personal and unique individual journey. There is no actual guide for the “right” words to say to every person who is grieving, just as there are no “right” words to express a deep sense of gratitude toward others for their kindness and care after the death of a loved one. Just reach deep inside your heart, feel the pain and offer your compassion, offer your truth.

This is what I want to say to people who are just at a loss for words when someone loses a loved one. “Share in this discomfort with me and show me that I am not alone. This uncomfortable phase will end and the compassion you show will be remembered and endure forever.”

When my husband died, the world completely shifted. Nothing felt the same for a while in so much disorientation within that cloud of pain. However, in the depth of that pain, there was also light. Even though writing those Thank You notes was heavy, I felt a continued lightness within myself as I wrote each one. Instead of focusing on the intensity of the emptiness, each note reminded me that I was and am connected to a loving and caring community. Yes, there are words that are extremely helpful to hear when a loved one dies:

“I’m so sorry.”

“I am here for you.”

“I am going to check in on you every day/ week/ month.”

For some, though, the words just don’t come easily and the moment feels awkward. Please be kind to yourself when these moments arise. When you are at a loss for words the next time you see someone in pain from their own loss, please know that there are other things you can do besides offer words of condolences. Really, my dominant thought in those first two months was, “Just show me how to live again, how to walk through this pain and stay on a healthy path of healing. ” Personally, although I was in an ocean of grief, I refused to let it completely overwhelm me, to take me under those constant waves. It was not my strength alone that kept me afloat and kept me from drowning. It was an incredible and wonderful community that offered me constant lifelines.

For all of you, the compassionate heroes in a strong community– true pillars of love, strength, care, and protection – whether you offer kind words or actions, you are solid ground during the storm and this is my humble Thank You:

I saw you breathe and it reminded me to take a breath.

I saw you cry and it helped carry my sorrow.

You gifted me your vulnerability and it offered me courage to survive.

You looked through the tears in my eyes and helped me see again.

You spoke gentle words of patience and helped me think again.

You offered compassion from your heart and helped me feel again.

You gave me food and your kindness filled me.

You shared time with me and your presence strengthened me.

I felt your protective care and it gave me space to rest.

I saw you smile and it helped me believe that it is possible.

I heard your sweet laughter and it played as golden music in the air.

You told me stories from your heart and it helped me remember.

I saw you connect with life and it was my guide to endure another day.

You took my hurting heart into a place of understanding and it helped me live again.

I felt your gentle encouragement and it reminded me to love again.