You’ve lost a close family member, perhaps your spouse, and you’re trying desperately to navigate this uncharted path, but you have children who are grieving as well. If this is beyond difficult for you, imagine the insurmountable feeling their grief must be for them. For me, there has always been power in numbers, and in a similar way, there has been power in grieving together. Whether it be yourself, family or friends, your children need to learn from what they see around them. How do you handle your grief, how do others, and are you honest and open about what you feel? This may be the best time to show your children the living definition of vulnerable, while still remaining strong and comforting.
Depending on their age, grief for a child can be a sad, scary place in which to be alone. Be there for them.
“Find a way or a place to allow your children to speak freely. Encourage them to share their feelings in an atmosphere of safety and with no judgement, just guidance.”
My youngest children – boys – were 12 & 13 at the time we lost my wife, Colleen. Although we had time to prepare, as you soon discover, there is no easy way to truly prepare. We’ve always been honest with our children regarding my wife’s breast cancer diagnosis 3 years earlier. We explained what we could and felt was appropriate, and always kept the lines on communication open for questions. They were always aware of doctor’s visits, tests, or procedures, so they could prepare and understand if Colleen was resting more than usual. Keeping them informed and in the loop, helped them to journey with us through this unfortunate situation.
As it became clear that treatment was becoming more toxic than beneficial, we discussed the details of the treatment from its benefits up until now to its side effects going forward. Explaining clearly and calmly there was nothing more that could be done. We made sure to focus on our time together, finding a reason to make small, but significant memories, even if it was only grabbing our favorite custard or watching that movie we all loved for the tenth time. Being together was now our focus and making it down this new path with love, support, hugs, and open conversations was the most important step we will ever take as a family. We brought friends and family onto this path and showed our children the importance of support and compassion. We cried at the toughest moments and laughed at the stories being shared by visitors while always showing our children the strength of what we built together and the sorrow we felt for the change ahead.
One of the most touching opportunities I personally experienced was after I reached out to the boy’s school to ask if the counselor was able and willing to take 30 minutes with them to chat. Knowing the boys may not always find the confidence to share their emotions or pain with me or other family members, I felt an outside, trusted source would be a good option for them both. The counselor never hesitated at the chance to help and proceeded to not only come to us, but stayed for nearly two hours as she and the boys took time on our patio to chat, play cards, laugh, and speak honestly together. When asked later that day, the boys said they appreciated the time they had with her, and since the pandemic had removed them from school three months earlier, the face-to-face opportunity to connect once again with someone they respected and trusted was priceless. Whatever is needed, whoever can help, know that it will indeed take a village to help your children through the many obstacles they will face in their loss. Above all, never let open communication be overshadowed by the trappings of life as you move forward. Remind them you are there, ask them how they are doing, and listen, intently, to whatever they want to share. And never let a day pass without a hug, or three.
Tim Bigonia
Lost wife to cancer, July 3, 2020
