Podcast

Self Care

You might think self-care is just a marketing buzzword that has nothing to do with you or your grief journey. But I'm here to explain that self-care is crucial for navigating grief and important to incorporate into your daily routine, just like exercise or nutrition.

Talking about self-care in the context of grief can be uncomfortable for many. As humans, we often love deeply, and after losing those who brought us so much happiness, we might feel unworthy of being happy again. Yet, we are still here, stumbling through paths where "normal" used to be, aimlessly navigating grief without a road map or destination.

Self-care plays a significant role in guiding us on our path with grief. It offers a healthier way to rebuild ourselves while walking with grief and everything that comes with it.

Understanding grief can only truly come through experience. In today’s episode, I'd like to share Five Grief Lessons I've learned over the past four years. These lessons have helped me better understand and handle grief's unpredictable process. I'll share these five powerful lessons, which I revisit whenever I feel the emptiness of grief creeping in and overpowering my everyday life. When I feel alone in my journey with loss or face new losses—which has recently happened—these lessons help me navigate the new grief alongside the existing one. They are always by my side, reminding me how to approach those moments when I lack the confidence or strength to glide through them easily.

Here are the Five Grief Lessons discussed in today's episode:

Lesson 1 - How to Help Someone Grieving in the Initial Weeks

Lesson 2 - Time Does Not Diminish Grief

Lesson 3 - Grief is Like Glitter

Lesson 4 - Wash the Orange Cup … When the Time is Right

Lesson 5 - Grief is a Coral Reef

Let's talk about memories. Cinnamon Sugar Memories, to be exact. You may not know what that means, but I believe it's safe to say we all have them. The phrase came about through a story I read, reminding me that the simplest things often hold the best memories. Sometimes, many memories are stored within a tiny, insignificant thing, like a blanket, a toy, a childhood location, or even a cinnamon sugar shaker. Join me as I discuss what I’m calling Cinnamon Sugar Memories, why they are so powerful, and how we should all cherish them every day and find ways to create new ones today.

Some episodes are easier than others, and this is one of the more difficult ones, as its creation is rooted in a milestone that has prompted an examination of time. Additionally, it has brought to light an internal struggle I wasn't fully aware of. Facing a different future isn't a sudden revelation I had today; instead, it's a reality I have finally decided to examine earnestly, to face honestly, and to fully understand what it means to me today and beyond. Today, I invite you into my stream of thought as I dissect the passing of time during my grief journey and what it means to face the future alone.

In all honesty, death has a cruel way of revealing what is truly important in life, often pressing us to take action or change course with the little things we've postponed "until later." So, when you're with family and discussing getting together again for an official family photo, take the photo now. Mark the moment today and capture those smiles and laughter while you're together. Above all else, understand the value of a photo, but more importantly, the stories accompanying it.

An odd thing happens when you lose someone very close to you, who is part of your life every day from morning to night. Whether labeled as a spouse or partner, it's someone whose absence is deeply felt. After their death, you begin to feel that many others don't understand what grief truly is. This might be because they have been fortunate enough not to have experienced it, or perhaps they haven't known this loss. When you stand with grief day after day, you wonder if anyone understands it as you do. I've been fortunate to discover a piece of writing that, in my view, completes the phrase "Grief is..." in an enlightening manner. Join me as I share what I believe grief is.

I've been considering the subject matter for this episode over the past few months, and honestly, I've been hesitant to dive into it. I can't explain, even to myself, why I've kept pushing it off, but somehow, now feels like the right time. Sometimes, the episode topics I examine feel like chores—something you aren't looking forward to and need to be in the right mood and proper mindset to tackle. I suppose that's where I was with this subject, and now I find myself in the right frame of mind to explore it. I suspect this will be an important topic to examine for the benefit of many others, as I know I am not alone in my struggles with redefining what once was "we" and is now simply "me."

Over the past four years as a widower, I have often been asked how I have managed to navigate my grief so well. I honestly don't believe I navigate grief better than most at all. From my perspective, it remains a ball of chaos, both externally and internally, and I feel it will always be that way to some extent. There are three things I believe I do well. First, I focus on living as my wife, Colleen, encouraged me. Second, I try to identify the details of my life for which I should and can be grateful. Third, I set SMART goals for my grief. Specifically, an organized method to set and achieve a goal through a realistic, step-by-step thought process. Let's discuss how setting SMART goals in grief can be a catalyst for walking more successfully with grief while attempting to find a way forward.

As time progresses, we experience moments where we find ourselves being the first. You might be the first to turn 16 and pass your driver's test or a few years out of college; you might be the first among your friends to become engaged or married. These life’s firsts can reveal both positives and negatives. For instance, being the first to buy a house can be thrilling, but getting a coveted driver’s license often means becoming the designated driver for your entire friend group. On the other hand, being the last can have its ups and downs. The last to get a driver’s license might receive very little fanfare since everyone else has already experienced it.

Similarly, what can be said about being the first to experience significant loss or the last in your friend group to do so? Are there positives or negatives involved in these particular firsts and lasts of life? Let's take a moment to delve deeper into this topic and consider any experiences you might have had that highlight the benefits or drawbacks of being first or last in significant life events.

Throughout the journey of this podcast, I've often remarked on the diverse sources from which episode inspiration emerges. Since its launch on April 4, 2021, I have been astounded by the avenues through which inspiration finds me. It might spring from social media, conversations with loved ones, or even the intricate lyrics of a song. Whenever these sparks of inspiration occur, it's as if a dim light in my world suddenly brightens, signaling a message worth sharing. For today's episode, I find myself drawn to a poem that resonates deeply, echoing a theme that has been heard in this podcast since its inception: the enduring nature of grief. This poem is a poignant reminder that grief is a journey without a clear endpoint. Understanding this reality can offer solace and insight, fostering compassion and empathy as we traverse this path with resilience and understanding.